whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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