I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
