the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
