When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
