found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
