STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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