I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
