1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm way too hungover for life right now
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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