I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize