why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
