No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
