my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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