i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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