So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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