Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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