also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
