before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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