gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
They should really pass out barf bags in church
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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