and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
