First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
