Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
