We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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