im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You smell like stripper and shame
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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