i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
