FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
