so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
