based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
