I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize