I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
