Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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