I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize