he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
