I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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