KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
My penis needs a shock collar
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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