and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
