covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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