You smell like a Billy Joel song
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
