I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
