My liver just broke up with me...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
