I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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