I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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