The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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