Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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