How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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