Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
