I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
