if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
