What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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