I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
