There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
