My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
