I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
