Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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