Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My balls are so social today.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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