come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
