My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
