In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
