You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Found your dick twin last night
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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