I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
