I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
lets start a swedish sibling band together
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
