so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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