Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
