I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so let's talk penis.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
