When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
