Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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