I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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